As tears of rage, shame and disbelieve gush out of your eyes, you feel as if your heart is being ripped out of your chest, while your stomach is heaving with waves of convulsive pain. You just read an email, you discovered a charge for a hotel room on your partner's credit card bill or you received a phone call from a friend telling you what they believe they just saw. You feel the distance between the two of you has grown so vast that you feel spacey, abandoned and lost.
As a marriage and family therapist, when I am presented with this situation, I am aware of all the emotions the person is going through. My first thought is: How can I help this person get grounded? They are in a state of shock. Their world has just been turned upside down and their sense of reality has been changed. In order to get back into reality, they need to express all the emotions that are flooding through them. I compassionately listen.
Advice or direction at this point is inappropriate and useless. They just need to express what they are going through. When the flooding recedes, I suggest and explain a writing exercise for them to do at home. I know all the emotions will resurface again and again, so they need a way to process this crisis situation in a way where they don't hurt themselves or anyone else.
As a marriage and family therapist, when I am presented with this situation, I am aware of all the emotions the person is going through. My first thought is: How can I help this person get grounded? They are in a state of shock. Their world has just been turned upside down and their sense of reality has been changed. In order to get back into reality, they need to express all the emotions that are flooding through them. I compassionately listen.
Advice or direction at this point is inappropriate and useless. They just need to express what they are going through. When the flooding recedes, I suggest and explain a writing exercise for them to do at home. I know all the emotions will resurface again and again, so they need a way to process this crisis situation in a way where they don't hurt themselves or anyone else.
How To Express Your Feelings
I ask them to write everything they are thinking and feeling. I ask them to write as fast as possible, using a lot of four-letter words... scribbling and raging and crying and hating. I want them to get all these emotions and thoughts out. I ask them not to read what they are writing. I then direct them to tear or burn these pages. Knowing that no one will read what is being written allows them to release things they normally would hold onto, fearing others might judge them for being so vile. Then I ask them to hold onto their belly and say, out loud or silently about 25 times, "(Their name), I am loving you. I am loving you (their name)." This begins the process of self-nurturing.
What Do You Want?
It's important to get clarity so you'll know what action to take. When this question is clear, how and when to approach your partner becomes easier. You might say, "I have to talk to him/her in order to get clarity. I don't know what I want." If this is the case, then what you want is to gather information so you can decide what you want to do.
Questions to ask: What happened? How did this situation come into your relationship? How long has this been going on? What went wrong with us?
There are basically four situations why people have affairs. (1) A person has a sex addiction. Are they willing to go to a 12-step program to deal with their addiction? (2) A person gets caught in a slippery situation, is under the influence of drugs or alcohol and they do something they never thought they would do. They usually have great remorse for what happened and vow never to put themselves in that type of situation again. (3) A person seeks revenge or pay back because their partner had an affair. (4) A person is hungry for attention or nurturing, so they connect with someone outside the relationship to fulfill their needs.
A Life-Changing Event
You might say, "OK, I got it, but that's a simple story. What about the really hard things that happen to us in life; like my partner having an affair?"
Challenging things happen to all of us. It's nice to know that you are not alone. Some events are life-changing, and it is these life-changing events that require the most work. Life-changing events are just that... life-changing. Remember, it's not the issue that's the issue; its how we deal with the issue that's the issue. I am encouraging you to look at how to deal with this issue in an uplifting manner so that no matter what happens, you can be more accepting of the experience. We are all in the process of learning how to use everything for our upliftment, advancement and growth. I am not suggesting or saying this is an easy process. That would be a lie. It is a challenge. However, the two primary rewards for working through the process are freedom and joy.
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