If the dynamics in your marriage fit these patterns, your chance of divorce is great:
1. Harsh start-ups. Approaching a conversation or conflict with sarcasm, accusations, criticism or derogatory comments is dangerous for a marriage. Initiating a conversation harshly, will likely result in an acrimonious ending without resolution.
2. The four horsemen. Gottman identifies these as contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research shows a correlation between these characteristics of communication with your spouse drastically increase likelihood to divorce.
3. Flooding. You and/or your spouse overwhelm each other with negativity that causes an emotional shut-down and detachment from your relationship. When you or your partner suddenly barrages the other with criticism or contempt, leaving the other feeling shell shocked, this results in disengagement and often, over time, leads to contempt.
4. Body language. When one or both partners become overwhelmed and flooded, it results in physiological changes in the body. Increased heart rate, a secretion of adrenaline and an increase in blood pressure occur and these physiological responses preclude the ability to effectively resolve conflict. Flooding triggers a fight or flight response, resulting in disengagement and/or stonewalling by your partner.
5. Failed attempts to repair. If conflict is not resolved or stonewalled by one partner, the likelihood of divorce increases. Conflict resolution is imperative in maintaining a healthy relationship. Stonewalling is the lack of willingness to engage in conversation and resolution around a conflict.
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